Finding The Strength to Give Up (3/3)
Once you've hit a vibrational rock bottom, the only way must be up. If you're like "huh what just happened?", you've probably missed part #2 Slippin' Into Darkness of my journey, in which I describe the gloomy period I found myself in only shortly after posting part #1 Confessions of a Millennial Burnout. Following this depressive episode, I was confronted with one of the hardest yet most empowering decisions I’ve had to make in a long time; not because of the outcome, but for the symbolic value that both ends represented. Let's rewind.
Having moved to Sydney with nothing but my own literally a week after my 18th birthday and having lived in Canada for 3 months, I didn't think of moving to Spain past January as a major challenge. Although I did casually forget to take into the equation my seriously disturbed and distressed state at the time, and I was painfully reminded of that. This time moving abroad, it was different. The city itself being nothing short of beautiful, it was the unfortunate combination of my vulnerable condition with troubling language barriers, a bunch of practical setbacks, the inability to make friends, on top of all the usual turmoil that comes with moving to another country. As much as I had been trying to get used to the new environment that I had escaped to, I could not seem to find my place in Valencia, and was growing increasingly unhappy being there.
This is where the internal conflict begins. A big part of me desperately wanted to come back to Amsterdam, but the other (even larger) part - the bit that has kept me there already for months - refused to give up on the mission and surrender to such weakness. I told myself maybe I should learn to be alone for once, deep down knowing I had been alone so often yet wouldn’t get through this with the support of my friends and loved ones around. I told myself maybe I shouldn’t give up on something I had worked so hard to make possible, deep down knowing the experience had no value whatsoever in the current mind space I was in. I told myself to return would be to fail, knowing that by staying I was failing myself, my soul. I am aware now that this negative self-talk has been one of the major drivers in bringing me down and I am trying to be nicer to myself during mental dialogue.
A photo posted by '93 til infinity ✌️ (@nadiapiet) on
This strong discord and back-and-forth indecisiveness continued for sometime while I kept throwing euros at back-and-forth tickets between Valencia and Amsterdam. My inner dialogue was driving me mad until someone close to me pointed out the following. For most people going back home would have been moving back to their comfort zone; a state of being I’ve always been panically afraid of (probably even more than depression). But for me it wasn't like that. Ironically enough, giving up on all those goals and ideals I had held myself to and that kept me in Spain - and the overall vicious circle I was in -, and choosing instead to do what I thought would make me feel better; that was leaving my comfort zone; that was my challenge; that was what I needed to grow. What a mindfuck. Isn’t it mad how lost we can get in the chambers and illusions of our own thinking? So the question now boiled down to: should I stay in a miserable situation merely to live up to more of my fake ideals?
From there it still took me a few weeks of silent attempts and loud denial to come to a place of acceptance, but I did give in. For the first time ever, I choose what felt right over what I told myself would be the right thing to do. I took my experiencing self over the striving self. Like I said it wasn’t so much about returning up North, but all about the symbolic meaning of doing so. A choice I had finally been able to make for myself and made so powerfully: to prioritize my happiness, my joy, my feel state, over all else. The time had come to return to the base I had always been running from, and work on my very foundation.
I am still working through the bureaucracy of this change of plans and on recovering the financial loss that came with it; but those are all practicalities. As soon as I made the decision, a strong and intense sense of relief and strength came over me. I just got back from Valencia and finished it all up, packed my stuff back up and enjoyed the Spanish sun for before I came back to the Northern lands. So far, the transition has been smoother than I could've ever hoped for.
I have found perfect peace in my resolution to return and think that in a way I might have needed this radical confrontation to be able to truly give up, truly give in, and trust myself and the journey of life to carry me to wherever I need to go. I guess sometimes we need to make decisions that signal the universe and our unconscious who we are, what we stand for and what we wish to attract in our lives. Like a turning point; indicating our new direction with full intent. I feel like this has been one of those moments and I couldn't be more excited about the path I've chosen to travel. I made the conscious choice to prioritize my happiness over all else; to finally respect myself enough to value my feel state over some silly achievement. Dedicated to my self, this is where the healing truly starts.
Slippin’ Into Darkness (2/3)
Okay I did not manage to keep track of my every step as I said I would so a double catch-up post is in place and will both be published today. After this I'll be up-to-date and you updated and I should be back on this grind. I could just skip this bit and fast forward to today, but I feel like this was an inevitable and even vital part of the journey; so here we go.
It seems almost as an universal law that shit needs to get worse before it gets better. And so it did; first worse, then better.Read more
Confessions of a Millennial Burnout: Speaking my Full Truth
Beyond the date that most new years resolutions have long been forgotten, I have finally grown the courage to carry out mine. My resolutions this year do not look anything like the extensive lists and ambitious implementation plans that have dominated the previous years. Because this time around I enter the year not flourishing with fresh energies, but burned out - and where the logging of goals would normally fill me with anticipation, the mere thought of it seems to me nothing more than empty and exhausting at this very moment.
Reframing Life: Mind over Matter
As a kid I spent a great deal of my time playing The Sims, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Zoo Tycoon and Simcity; busy building worlds, steady constructing lives, I loved it. Wether this was cause or effect, I’ve grown up believing that life is 99% make-able; a formula in which the harder I would try, the better life would be, backed by a limiting Scarcity Mentality as described in Stephen Covey’s infamous book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
This simplified and faulty belief of responsibility, deeply instilled and fueled by insecurities of inadequacy, has caused me to work hard, but not smart. Spreading myself too thin, losing my strength in losing my joy and running around the field without the goal in sight. It might almost be the default of the world we live in, but it was unbearable for me. Believing life was but a formula, I blamed myself for being the weak link in the sum and I found myself drained, unfulfilled and lost, with to-do lists piling up and passion running low.
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right” - Henry Ford
Over the past few months, learning the basics of neuroscience and watching a lot of incredibly inspiring TEDx talks, I have come to believe that it is not my skill, nor my knowledge, qualities or working ethic that holds me back, but my own mind. It is our mental that determines the true quality of our happiness and success and admitting to this, I made it my no. 1 priority to harness this.
To illustrate the following example, from Rory Sutherland’s "Perspective is everything” TEDx Talk:
[su_quote]"In the U.K., the post office had a 98 percent success rate at delivering first-class mail the next day. They decided this wasn't good enough and they wanted to get it up to 99. The effort to do that almost broke the organization. If at the same time you'd gone and asked people, "What percentage of first-class mail arrives the next day?" the average answer, or the modal answer would have been 50 to 60 percent. Now if your perception is much worse than your reality, what on earth are you doing trying to change the reality?"[/su_quote]
Where I have always invested my energy into coming up with a practical solution, I now realize that other than changing the situation, sometimes you just have to change your perspective. Reframe. And step by step, that is what I set out to do.
“How you gonna win, when it ain’t right within?” - Lauryn Hill
By adopting an Abundance Mentality, expanding my horizon and consciousness, applying the 20/80 principles to my productivity, through clear goal setting, meditation and positive affirmations and with a fine blend of productivity hacks and mindfulness practice; I aim to work and live smarter, energized and with a smile on my face.
How to do this exactly, I will have to find out and learn as I go, but my journey has commenced. And here, I will chronicle my saga. Besides collecting and sharing the helpful tools and insights and hopefully striking a soul or two, the chronicling of this journey is part of the journey itself, as to tackle my fear of vulnerability, failure, imperfection and rejection. If you are at all inspired or recognize yourself in this post, please do participate and start today to commence and chronicle your own unique journey.
This was blog #1. My sails are set.
Peace,
Nadia
PS1: The Scarcity Mentality ("People see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life”) versus the Abundance Mentality ("Flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity”) as mentioned above.
PS2: The image of this post is a work of M. C. Escher, a Dutch graphic artist who was big on the optical illusions and playing with your perception. This is cool as hell so here's a few more:
On Another Course: Cultural Anthropology
I could still, but have decided not to keep the promise. I'll consider it a sacrafice, "giving up something good for something better". A few weeks ago in a random study session I came across the field of Cultural Anthropology
"Cultural anthropology is the study of peoples, their beliefs, practices, values, ideas, languages, technologies, economies and other domains of social and cognitive organization. Anthropology comes from the Greek, literally the study of the human. As such, we overlap with history, sociology, psychology, political science, literature, documentary studies, and other fields."Â
It sparked my interest and I read and read, read and read some more and then peeked into a university studies in Amsterdam.
It's there, next enrollment in September, takes 3 years and it's primarily in English. I wasn't so much planning to go back to school, but this field seems to bring together all my interests. I could study all regional and subcultures, Hip Hop culture, symbolism, ancient history, language, religion and lifestyle, Asian art and peace and so much more.
I want this! To get in though, I have to succeed in written tests on Math, History, Dutch and English. The tests are simply to prove your IQ basically, ensure University level and the material is extensive and honestly, dead boring. Now arrived safe and sound in Edmonton, I got started, I'm on this. Meaning I might actually get back to class in 2014?
So that, studying for my University application, webdesigning on the side and a lot of Tika grind and progress and enjoyable exploring in the caNadian lands. A change of direction. New year, new moon, new missions.
Bless you, to a prosperous and happy 2014! Whether in school or self study, always push yourself to gain new knowledge, allowing you everytime to see the world through new eyes.
Om Shanti